it is dreadful. dreadful, i say. i have gone round and round and round endlessly searching for an end to the meaning of this... lost and sullied connection... kicking a dead horse, yadda yadda...
i am speaking of my supposed lover, he lied to me again last night, hit me, hurt me some more, and still - still!!! i sit here, which denotes my right to even complain, in my opinion. im a spineless bastard for still doing so, i guess i just need somewhere to put it. somewhere else, somewhere safe,..
i really thought this morning was it.
i ventured to a friends place. his backyard shed, to be precise. all darkness in there, but welcoming. i sat on the couch beside him, he had procured me a nice chunk of hist, and some skooma to boot. an eight ball, to be exact. for free, or a front rather.
i didnt ask for it, he gave. because he thought i had finally taken hold of my individual volition, perhaps. or perhaps his intentions lie elsewhere, in realms i wish not to venture. this theory is supported by the way he placed his hand on my lower back- to which i immediately gave a yell- shouting "PERVERT! HES A PERVERT!" ..... i thought it was the most friendly and humorous way that i could approach the scene, but in reality it was awkward, not even a sympathy laugh. trust, it was funny to me, at least... and he took his hand away from me, thankfully. respectfully.
i cannot fault anyone on this planet for shooting their shot. you truly never know. it's just about how you take the "no", in the end.
he had to go to work, and offered me to stay there as long as needed, to come and go as i please. i appreciated it, i was really honored to have someone taking a chance on me, especially after being treated as a thief, a liar, etc etc by my lover for so long, after doing exactly nothing to deserve such a reputation. i think he was projecting. he must have been. humans are indeed very strange.
my heart is broken. look at me typing about all of this, so clinically. so nonchalant. it is anything but. it is tearing me apart from the inside, burning me in my chest,leaving only a hole, the kind you can see through to the other side. nothing. just empty, consuming void- where my love for [***] still sits, and i suspect it shall always remain.
i knew it all along, why did i think it would be any different?
it was a lantern lit from false hope, held onto with bleeding white knuckles. he gave me little pieces of it, the last was two.... two years... two years ago now... god, what have i done.
i guess i truly thought that it would be different. that eventually the fog would clear. that he would see me as i am again, and we could go back to being happy, in love, partners in crime, raising hell. instead, he turned me into a pariah. the reason for every wrong in the world. someone to always blame.
ive walked so many fucking miles for false accusations. for the truth in it all, seen by exactly nobody. in the end, it is as if the lesson of it all was that i perhaps should have indeed 'fucked him over' the entire time, for if that was the case- at least now i would be left with something, rather than nothing.
i could never.
its so cold and lonely now. its so lonely and numb. it burns. it aches. i miss you. i know you wont come back though, because youve already been so gone for so long.
please find happiness.
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact