i am kinda exhausted, i have been tending to a group of about 3-5 crack smoking paranoid degenerates for the past few weeks, and my anhedonia/executive dysfunction and general numb feeling of being dead inside has returned with a flaming intensity- i genuinely feel sometimes as if my life is not one continuous contingent string of memories, but rather a few bursts of lucidity amongst these vast and unknown gaps of time. every once in a while- if i am lucky enough to be so fucking broke that i cant even manage to get enough to buy the bare minimum of a 20a day- i begin.... to re emerge. it is like waking from a dream. a bad one....
sorry. i hope this isnt like, absolutely impossible to comprehend. maybe someone will feel it/relate. i dont really understand what is so extremely and essentially compelling that causes me to so erratically and desperately send out these sos signals and errant lonely and hopeful transmissions, all to ever so slightly move the line over ever so slightly, towards my being recognized, if only for a day, if only for a little while. if only for a fleeting second of time. it somehow satisfies my reality. my sense of existential dread is somehow comforted a bit by this 'hit' of recognition.
i wonder about myself sometimes. i wonder about how many other gazillions of versions of me are always branching out at every planck length of time as we know it, most of them near to me are so similar, the slightest differences i wouldnt even be able to place, but certainly, in the infinitesimal contingent time-bound collapse of this experience we percieve as this singular and long-spanning 'reality' / 'realities', perhaps, maybe- deep into the code and white noise of the everything all at once- there are some versions of me existing because by nature of infinity they Must absolutely be a few of me at the very least - are prospering- living fully, power tripping, living deliciously, some may be vampires, some may be telepathic villains, and that gives me a good bit of solace.
i believe in my ability to hop into these realities with a little bit of intention and effort, but for some reason, i have been trapped in this perpetua for at least 8 years now. i saw this shit coming, i felt it the whole time, but god damn if i have ever loved anyone as much and as feverishly as i love xenotrek. god. i dont even want to talk about it.
in the midst of typing that, i literally got screamed at by him for trying to help him find his lost phone. in front of 3 other people. nobody said anything. i came in the bathroom. i feel like crying but i am used to doing it real quiet or just swallowing the feeling until it kinda seeps back into the white noise filling my body at all times.
sory for being so blackoilled. shit has been kinda grim lately. maybe things will change soon. theres a better world out there than this, i know it. why am i so useless?
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact