consider me to be groaning and lazily rolling out of my pile of sheets i call a bed to write this transmission, dearest reader.
i am depressed.
it has officially been like... a whole month since i left my abusive relationship of 8 years. 8 fucking years!!!
ughhhrhghhh.. and it still hurts quite badly. i still am waiting for him to come and get me, to apologize, to tell me he loves me, wants to work on things.... but i know logically that day will never come. he already has replaced me with another girl, apparently. 3 individuals have reported seeing him with her. i dont know her name, who she is, or anything. just that there is a hole in my chest now, where my heart used to be. it seems as if it was so easy for him to simply leave me behind, sever the line that connected us somehow. was it ever even there...? or did i fully imagine this so-called "love"...?
i will probably never know.
i miss him. why? i shouldn't miss misery. i suppose i miss a version of him that truthfully, i havent seen in... well, years. the version of him who used to look at me like i was something alien, something special, something worth listening to. back when he would take me to all of his friends, all but showing me off to everyone, as if i was a rare treasure or some sort of strange but beautiful creature. back when he really thought i was... cool? worthy? respectable? just mysterious enough to not be known? human....
he used to speak to me about very many things, about intelligent things, about philosophy. he would even hear me out, my side of things, let me speak my mind. now and for the past 5 or so years, he has just been telling me to shut up when i want to talk about any of my feelings, aka my "bullshit". i am not allowed to do that. i get hurt physically if i do not "shut the fuck up". he has no idea of my inner vibrant world anymore, he simply does not care.
i guess i watched him become jaded. i hate it.
i miss the man that loved me as he did. i shouldnt have been so... naive. so stupid. to think that somehow, if i kept being myself, being devoted, etc. that he would see the truth in me and everything would be made beautiful and perfect once again.
dumb ass.
neverlearner.
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact