i am return from the fringe once more my lovely witness of this night
i hope you are really here with me in this moment, i dont mind the loneliness but it would be nice to be... seen
felt
or,
contemplated....
...
((reciprocated)) ((mayb one day i will find you again...))
ah gosh. where are we now. hmm. i am staying with some rather pleasant individuals, names of lee and tanya. its a long story and i cannot describe in any proper quantifiable sense this overwhelming restlessness which i am currently wearing, against my weakened will. pardon my whining, it is really a lovely day after all.
its been 1.5 weeks since i left him again. though ive said this many times prior, i say it now and feel it in my bones, and pray that it remains to be true- i am not going to return to him. not this time. i deserve to be loved the way i deserve to be loved. i will not settle any longer for anything less than the same abundance of respect and adoration and emotional involvement. i refuse to be forever kept in a cage-like environment in which i am frequently left alone and only returned to in order to satisfy someone's physical needs. i will no longer be spoken to like i am less than nothing, or spoken to with such disdain that it seems like i am the single cause of every possible shortcoming or frustration that arises.
i am not a burden
i am someone who deserves to be dissected, intellectually and poetically picked apart piece by piece, merged into through natural psychedelic meaningform, and understood and trusted on only the most deep of levels, rather than hated and made into this monster of which to place every iota of blame upon.
i deserve to be treated as an equal
not an underling
or an idiot
no longer will i allow anybody in this entire world to disrespect me so fundamentally or get close enough to my heart without truly showing that they deserve it. i truly may never again fnid myself willing to open my heart enough to risk the same hurt and betrayal, but i hope i am able to heal and get over this part. i do not want to be unfairly jaded.
sorry for the incredible blirb of my emotions. sometimes they just all come pouring out, more lately than usual. i find myself feeling incredibly... homesick, for jay. but i remember he wouldnt even have any love i imagine for me now, for those days are long gone, and though i have waited for years on the notion of a slight or any possibility at all that i could somehow 'wake' him into his previous self who was connected emotionally to me, but it was in vain.
for the sake of my own memory. this has become a rather instrumental archive in my own hardware memory, documenting that which would be fleeting otherwise.
or maybe i am finished for now, for i am lazy, and easily distracted at the moment.
anyways,
best regards-
keep striving to find the world you see in your wildest dreams,
and remember to find the beauty in the mundane along the way.
with love and my utmost sincerity,
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact