my people... my... invisible.. readers? witnesses? transient viewers so randomly of my output? are you... are you even there?
...
hello?
...
well. i'll assume i am not alone, for despite the loneliness of this moment, through the power of time travel, i am able to ~connect~ with You through these glyphic transmissions, in the tongue of the timebound humankind, to attempt to .... Connect.... or... to be seen.... ?
sorry. sorry for being the most. dissociated. 3rd person. weirdo in the world. i see things in an odd way sometimes. idk what the hell im going on about. ill try to snap back into myself. ahem-
begin! grauughr! uwaaaaah! hraaaaaug! and then some, damn you!
so, i have been staying in a room with some rather lovely people, in similar status as myself (degenerate, lowlife, criminal, poor, white) in a red roof inn, on my least favorite side of town. xenotrek and i had been staying in this econo lodge for at least a month or so. on the dreaded worst side of charlotte. west side.
i wondered for a bit, meditated.
i finally figured out the precise reason that i dislike this side of the city. it is not the rampant poverty, nor is it the heavy police presence, occasional screams, or overall air of poverty.. it is more plainly said in a way that is this: i dislike the amount of suffering that i am surrounded by. it is something more than melanhcoly. it is more than sadness. it is depravity induced by scarcity, scarcity driving criminal, cruel, and overall desperate dispositions in all areas in my vicinity. hell, my dearest bam is living in a tent two lights down from here. bam the betrayer.
if you are familiar with my lore (if i have even Ever shared these facts at all), bam is xenotrek's previous partner. she at one point stole my id and then stole xenotrek's most prized tools and took them to a nearby pawn shop to the hotel (golden green) that we were living at together, and used my id to sell them, then alerting jay to the fact that the aforementioned tools were on display in the pawn shop. i believe that this moment of ultimate betrayal and absolute drivel of lie was perhaps the exact moment of my undoing with xenotrek. it sowed the seeds of distrust. he believes to this very day that it was i who stole and sold his tools there. how i wish he would have pressed charges so that the camera footage would have been properly reviewed, and truth revealed. sigh. alas.
that still doesnt mean that i would ever wish upon her to live her life out of a tent in the woods next to a construction zone/highway, on the most desolate side of this blasted and coldhearted city.
it is also bam who i found myself walking to, with as many bags strapped over both shoulders as i could, as xenotrek kicked me out and left me with all belongings strewn in the breezeway of our last hotel (econo lodge). she was about a mile down the road. red roof in was where i was to meet her.
the prior 24 hours were miserable. consisting of a endless barrage and stream of utmost negativity, scorn, and violence from xenotrek and directed precisely at me, telling me all of my percieved shortcomings, calling me expendable in front of two other people, and worst of all, the violence. he broke the door and voided our getting our deposit back at one point when i was hiding in the bathroom trying to avoid his coldhearted blows.
it is not the physical pain, but the emotional agony and utmost frustrations that plagues me in those moments. not the hurt physical. the lovetearing. the long lie. the lack of my ability to excersize autonomy, to speak my mind, to be myself without being blamed for absolutely anything that isnt perfect.
i spent about 2 months straight alone for most of the time in this damn hotel room before this precipice.
i walked down the street with 3 bags, digging into my shoulderflesh, thumb jutting out in the sparse hope of a driver deciding to let me tag along for the ride, and to no avail. i eventually made it to bam's hotel, which turned out to be her friend summer's hotel.
i had met this girl once before but only briefly. she is very stoic, soft spoken, and cool. she is also incredibly real, a quality i value in people.
i entered her room as bam gave me a shh sign, as apparently she was asleep.
entering, i was greeted by 6 cats, a lovely sight. 3 of them immediately came and greeted me. bliss.
i sit here now 5 days deep into my new squat, apparently here with summer and her partner bobby, which i will write more about later. my hands are hurting.
i really hope i dontgo back this time. to xenotrek, i mean. he as usual is making that rather easy.
for now i drift to greater sands.
i am so broke i have known hunger.
i hope things get better soon. they must.
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact