nor am i in rehab (booo, i know...) but alas, i am here! egal! huzzah!
a month late but regardless... happy new year? 2026? sounds... fake... but ok.
it has been brought to my attention that i was featured on a certain youtube channel, with no small amount of viewers, too! i am honored, and i certainly enjoyed watching as the fellow clamored about my half-cobbled together disaster of a site, and i am quite glad that the sentiment overall seems to be one of relative enjoyment.
i also have some good news. i plan on returning to the methadone clinic, posthaste. i was supposed to go this morning, but i slept in. dumbass!
the thing about the clinic is that they expect you to arrive no later than 5:00AM on the dot (or 10 minutes before) or else you have to come back tomorrow, sorry!
this is rather egregrious as i usually am going to bed around this hour, it requires a great deal of effort and presence of mind/discipline for me to be able to show up for this. yet i persevere, i shall not abate, nor give up... though i admit, it is tempting.
because golly gosh i have had damn near enough of xenotrek's criminal and cruel abuse!!!
day in, day out- constantly some kind of issue, some problem that i have supposedly caused, items flung at my head, items flung at my general area, vile words spat to me, about me,.. it is miserable, just miserable. alicia was right. if only i had been strong enough to leave before, before... before he grew to truly hate me.
for he certainly has, now. it has broken my heart, past tense. that feeling was present tense and rather difficult to begin to process for a number of years, actually. now i am simply numb, which has its ups and downs, but in the overall scheme of things i believe it is a more healthy state for me to be in regarding our whole situation and my honest to god trauma that i have gained from our whole loving ordeal.
loving is said tentatively and a bit sarcastically, here. i think i was the only one doing any of that, in retrospect. i am so pathetic, a female femcel white knight cringelord neckbeard. just a female one. absolutely.
i'll spare you the gorey details of the abuse i mentioned but i will say this- my self image, confidence, and personality are only barely intact, and the fact that any still remain is a feat of some god or greater being unknown to myself. to it, i give my confused regards, and thanks.
i have begun to speak with kuro again, in asheville, and he is on board for me to move up there and live in his house with him. what a wonderful and welcome change that would be.
i am a bit giddy with excitement. the only thing between me and myself finally being at home in the mountains of asheville is my need to get onto methadone. i can do this!! dont give up, self!!!
despite everything, i am a bit embarassed to admit this, but i am going to miss xenotrek so fucking much.
at the end of the day, i do love him- very much so- and it pains me to an unspeakable degree that it has devolved to such a grotesque and pathetic level that i must sever our connection. each night, after he falls asleep, i hold him close. i burrow into him. i feel him breathing, his heartbeat, his being alive, and i appreciate it as hard as i can. it makes me cry sometimes.
i never would have imagined that it would come to this, but something evil has turned in him to make him truly view me as someone else, some enemy, 'just like everyone else' aka an npc/enemy, i cant understand how he can perceive me so falsely but i cannot change anyone but myself. this has been such a hard lesson to learn.
hope is on the horizon once more, and for the first time in what feels like an eternity. i feel like i almost lost myself completely, but thank goodness for whatever piece of myself within the confines of this corpus has decided that enough is enough, and to get on with it. this is not all i was meant to be. there is so much more shit that i will do before i die. i will not let this be the end of me.
thanks for reading, i hope you are well. best regards, and in each and every single one of your endeavours, i wish you only the utmost success and learning. godspeed.
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact