greetings my most treasured reader.
i'm so glad youve found me here, on such a lonely night.
sigh. ugh. harumph, and grumble. i am a grouch, and a sad one at that...
most are celebrating at my current wherabouts, there are quite a few people who love me to bits who are cheering veering and hooping and hollering, telling me "keep going"! "you're doing the right thing"! as i saunter through this mire of begrudgedness and solemn contempt.
i am taking into metaphor and spitting it back out as what i assume is nearly schizophrenic and absolutely nonsensical poetic parable. my wherabouts. indeed.
tonight, for the second time this month (or so), i left xenotrek once more. its so weird. my mind is so... fragmented. and dissociated, always.
i find myself forever only present in the moment, not really regarding yesterday or any notion of tomorrow. this is part of my continuum of coping. the drugs certainly aid in this form of forced horse-blinderism. present moment mindset, i used to think was some essential form of nirvana, or perpetual meditation. little did i know that also it can manifest as a pure and drastic coping mechanism, when one is too overwhelmed by reality itself, thus pretending and forcing and making it so that the only world in sight is the one right here and now. for if i raised my head to look ahead, or turned around over my shoulder to see behind, how quickly my world would just.. fall to pieces.
at least, that is exactly what it feels like. i am sure that this is a gross dramaticization of the reality of my stepping outside of my constructed comfort zone. i am more willing than ever to do so, and i can imagine that the truth of this is reflected in the fact that i am not at our usual dig, the room over in matthews, oh room 205 you have treated me so well with your wifi, water, and free breakfast every morning. it is not you, but those who share your space, that have driven me asunder.
i wonder if i will go back this time. i always do, ive never stayed gone, otherwise i wouldnt have had to leave again...
you know it is so strange. i just cant get my head around this whole thing. for about a week straight, xenotrek was bedridden with some sort of strange ailment. he claimed he could smell something very strongly, like peanuts, burnt leather, or lavender epsom salt. so badly that it caused him to vomit.
my medical background and subsequent knowledge of such things really set off a few alarms with this presentation.
xenotrek is 53 years old. if he was half that age, i would be far more keen to just let it ride and see what happens , if he could just sleep it off, etc.
i was quite afraid that he was experiencing something neurological. olifactory hallucination and vomiting is a rather... deadly combo, in a lot of cases.
my worry was unjustified, though. depsite my pleading, he never visited the hospital. he seems to have fully recovered on his own now.
sorry. this must be quite boring. i'll get on with it.
my point with bringing that sickness up is that the entire week he was ill, he insisted that i stay by his side. i think he truly believed that he was dying. he apologized when he would snap or get angry with me, and he was really lovey-dovey. of course, i reveled in it. how could i not. my heart leads me astray.
but as soon as he recovered, it is as if a switch was flipped, and once again he began using me as a punching bag, and as someone to blame for everything wrong in his world.
it got to a point of extreme cruelty and disrespect today. it was really bad.
i despise being spoken to like a dog, or a child. told to 'shut my mouth', or treated as if the only thing i am capable of producing verbally is white noise, or otherwise annoying and of no real regard or value. he acts like of course i am an idiot, how dare i consider speaking to him, when i am such a retarded idiot.
it is numbing. it is demoralizing. i told him that when he returned that i would be gone. he didnt believe me.
about 43 minutes ago my phone began buzzing incessantly. i think i counted 5 or 6 texts that i received. i can only assume that he made it home, to find me no longer there. i havent read the messages yet and do not even want to at all.
i guess ill check in a moment, after i publish this.
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact