greetings once again, whoever you may be
who are you, i wonder
who finds yourself here with me on this day
this moment
this happening?
for you to read this makes it real in the first place
without your eyes gracing across my typed nonsensica
i surely doubt that it would be here for you to read at all
pardon my word walloping
i suppose i am more lucid and therefore more poetic today
ive spent a total of 14 hours tryin to integrate this site's posts with that of
to no avail, still
insanity
working also on way too many projects at once
trying to figure out the magical quest of ~how the actual fuck~ to make money online
or at all
i have been exceedingly broke
to the point of near starvation on some days
hell of a feeling
nevertheless, it has offered me a unique window to the wallowing of my fentanyl dayze
i started going to the methadone clinic three days ago
unfortunately, i wasnt able to get a ride back to it yet
but i am hoping that tomorrow marks my beginning of a new streak
never to be broken
i would really love to finally be through with this nightmare dance
5 or so years now it has been
just totally and utterly nullifying me in spirit and in self
i truly hope for the best
i would love to have my time, my money back
god, what a bad dream it has been
almost time to wake up~
he has started making a new life without me
even though we still live together
and he still comes home to fuck me and then leave again
i feel gross
i feel used
i feel like nothing to him
who was once my hero
my idol
really someone i felt like i would love until the end of time
but ive held on for so many years to this false hope
only for things to get worse
for him to get more cruel
more detached
i cannot feel him with me any more
even in the same room
it is so hollow
and so sickening
especially the things he says to me
about me
sickening
it has its effects after a while
regardless of what i believe to be true
anyhow
i suppose i will ask that you, reading this
if you can find any spare change or old coins clinking around in any of your pockets
digital or otherwise
please, consider checking out my gumroad
as i have been meticulously adding not only html website themes
but also pdf guides to hacking/scripting and the like
otherwise
perhaps consider checking out the idea of shooting me a donation via apple pay
as it is the fastest way to support me
monitarily at least
you have to have an iphone
and my number is +1 828 266 8648
just so you know
go wild
shoot me something
or even better
check out my wishlist of all the dreamy funtime toys i wish i could buy but cant
whoever you are, wherever you are- thank you , truly .
your willingness to sit with me through these profound and mundane moments means more than words could ever say.
i hope you find yourself to be comfortable, and perhaps a smile or laughter may grace you on this almost-winter day.
see you next time. over and out.
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
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