my earliest influence was the elder scrolls oblivion.
i used to exist more in cyrodill than i would in my day-to-day life.
i remember a time before that where i found joy in playing in the woods, in building forts, bridges, idols- for any to find. i would play with my younger sister, as if we were imitating the merchants in baldurs gate 2: dark alliance. (god i wish i could play this game again)
it was my parent's own accidental plunder when one day, they punished me by not allowing me to go outside.
so i wandered inside to our family xbox 360, with which my dad had recently purchased the elder scrolls iv: oblivion for. i was amazed at what i had seen him do while playing, i wanted a part of this fantastical world where you could be any lizard person that you wanted.
from that point on- i think,- unless i was forced to go to school- i was playing oblivion. day in and day out, for 8-12 hour stints at a time. i would immerse myself in this new world and i still to this day must christen any new abode or living situation by first playing through one good run of oblivion in it.
that's my hyperfocus, my first one.
i actually became an artist to aid my maladaptive daydreaming i would do at school, so i could draw my argonian- the glowing white "christophor" hero of kvatch and onwards- and show anyone who would listen.
it had a profound impact on me, and to this day i still long for a game of morrowind or oblivion, or to cook up a player house mod in the morrowind modding console. shoutout darkelfguy.
these days, i am unfortunately no longer in contact with my dad. it is out of my own shame and self image. as of now, being a fentanyl addict living with my abusive partner, i am far from what i believe my father had in mind for me. it is extremely stupid, and i will absolutely have sincere regrets when it is no longer possible for me to speak with him again. i am paralyzed, stuck, though, until i find my way out of my labrynthian lifestyle. it is then and only then that i can once more reconvene with my dad, i miss him. so much. and i love him too. i wonder if he could somehow be reading this. if he was, i just want to say that im sorry. i dont know if words can do it justice, but know that i think of you every day, and that i am a coward who cannot face myself, therefore i cannot face you. to see you look sad, concerned, or disappointed in me would just kill me. i love you, i know that one day i will climb out of this hole. it was necessary, i do not regret my actions for the most part, though there are a few..... i needed to see this suffering, as an artist, as a philosopher, and in order to see myself and learn about myself. it has been a so veru important undertaking. for all the agony and fear i have indeed learned a great many things about not only myself ubt also about other people.
oh, my mother, how i love her to pieces. we speak daily. she is my biggest supporter, always has been. always. growing up, we were the best of friends. more of my best friend than my mother a lot of the times, but always mom. as a little kid, mommy. i remember unfortunately, and this is one of those things that when i tell people casually, they usually ask if i am ok, so - yes, i am ok - but as kids, my mom and dad would lock my sister and i in our rooms which were thankfully connected via the bathroom, so at least we had each other- but oh man, i have some very ingrained memories of laying down right at the foot of the locked bedroom door, and for hours on end i would lay there and call out: "mooooo-mmy, mo-mmy, mooooooommmy, mommy" in a little singsong sort of voice, i can still feel myself saying it to this day. it wasnt a sad calling out, it wasnt angry, it was innocent, and every time i called out to her, i was just as expectant as any other time that maybe she would hear me and come. she didnt. we would sit there for hours, days at times. i dont understtand why, to this day, but i forgive them, my parents, for whatever reason they had must have been important to them. i wonder though, to this day, how that could have affected me. fun fact- my sister and i were so isolated for so long like that that we came up with our own language, literally. i grew out of it before she did, and would, for a short time, acr as a translator to her, for most people apparently heard naught but gibberish when we would speak that way. ha! so cool..
how i love her, she is such a huge part of me. i am so happy to have her as my sister. she is so beautiful, so smart, so intelligent and witty. there is nobody else on planet earth that i feel so comfortable with, that i feel so happy to know, that i could ever love as much as i love her. i especially love the way that we can always crack up, like crying laughing so hard together, any time. inever realized it at the time, but during lockdown from covid, when we were living in boone after my parents divorce, i never even realized how valuable the time i was getting to spend with her was. it was just her, myself , and mom up there. we lived there for 4 years, i think? on top of rainbow moumtain rd, an antisocial place. it was necessary for us to heal. i am so glad that i got the both of them back into charlotte. myself, sure, i have been much worse off for it, but it is no problem for i know that they have prospered. i will bounce back, i will resurrect. my time has naught yet been the peak of it. i miss you, my sister. i am so overjoyed that you take the time and effort to text me, even more regularly lately. it is important that i return the sentiment, for i love you and miss you and by god i am so sorry for the terror you must suffer with over wondering whether or not i am ok, etc. i promise you i will persevere, you will see me again. and when you do, we may shed some tears, but they will be happy tears, and we will embrace and be at one again. i love you.
i love my family. i miss them. my mom, god bless her, shes the only one who still plays such a major and frequent role in my life. she is the only one who has seen me on a regular basis and who texts me daily. i wouldnt have it any other way, i know she must be so worried, and for that i am remorseful. i must go to the methadone clinic soon. i must leave charlotte fir the sake of my life health ans sanity,
if you read this, thank you. it helps me feel real to be perceived, i hope you have someone like the people i described in your life, someone you can love and be loved by, no matter what.
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact