i am not feeling so well these days. the last week alone has been humiliating.
i really need to get out of here but i dont know where to go, what to do.
for one- i am addicted pretty intensely to fentanyl, and the man ive been living with has been providing it to me. that is sadly possibly the only glue keeping us together right now aside from the fact that i get to have electricity and a place to sleep when i am here. ugh.
i used to truly think that he loved me. how can you so heartlessly and relentlessly, over and over again- hurt the person you "love"? any time i speak i am punished, told that i am useless, that everything i do is destined to fail, told to kill myself, told to get on with it... mostly i was just trying to be useful or help out, but i guess he just turned me into someone to blame, hating and hating me more. making me the reason for all the wrong in the world. pariah. it scolds me still.
i feel so fucking numb. i find solace by taking to my laptop all day, every day. i enjoy it here mostly, though sometimes i find myself getting a bit bored and craving human company, or to smell the fresh outside ait, especially at night. regardless. in many ways i am lucky. i am lucky to be in a nice cool room right now, it is really hot outside mostly.
i would quite like to go to the methadone clinic but currently lack any reliable way to get there. i need to see if it is possible for me to perhaps take the bus there daily, as there is a bus stop outside of the hotel, literally just there out front. i quite like riding the bus.
i hope we dont have to check out tomorrow. if we do i will be most likely abandoned on the side of the road, who knows where. i will try my very very best to be as quiet as i can be and to not say a word. this is the only way i can avoid such a fate. i despise walking. ive been made unfairly to walk uncountable miles in this fucking city, i have grown misanthropic to a degree because of it. the longest ive ever had to walk was 8 miles straight, with no food or water, in blaring heat. my body was clocked out. it hurt me for days after...
sorry for the negativity, i have nowhere else to place it. urgh. it is just... it is something like hell, that i am living in.
here is some ascii art that i found today, that i find to be quite lovely, as a stark contrast to the doom and gloom above. please have a look at it!!
..
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dragon :3
Björk - Bjork - Björk Guðmundsdóttir
__ __
\ \ ___ / /
\ \\ \ / /
\ \\ \ / /
\ \\ \ __ __ __ _________ / /
\ \> \ /__) /__) /__) /____ // /
\ /_________ ________ _______ _________ / // /
/ //____ //___ // _ ` / _ // // /
/ /_____/ / / // // // //___// // /
/ / / // // // / / ~ ~\
/____________.´ / / `_______´/___/ /_______ \
_________/ / \ \
RoBot@ / / \ \
abc.se /____________/ \___\
------------------------------------------------
bjork!!!
⢀⣤⡶⣾⠛⠛⠛⢻⡷⢶⣤⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⣠⣾⠋⠁⣀⡼⠇⢰⡶⠾⠇⣀⠈⢙⣷⣄⠀⠀
⠀⣴⠏⠉⣿⠂⠹⣆⠀⢸⡇⠀⣰⠏⠛⠞⠁⠹⣧⠀
⣸⣏⣀⡘⠳⣤⣠⡾⣿⢻⡟⣿⢷⣄⣤⠾⢷⣀⣽⣇
⣿⠉⢹⣇⣀⣠⣿⣛⣾⣿⣿⣷⣛⣿⣄⣀⣈⡉⠀⣿
⣿⠀⣈⡉⠉⠙⣿⣭⢿⣿⣿⡿⣭⣿⠋⠉⢹⣇⣀⣿
⢹⣟⠉⢷⡶⠛⠙⢷⣿⣼⣧⣿⡾⠋⠛⢦⡌⠉⣹⡏
⠀⢻⣆⠀⣴⣤⣠⠟⠀⢸⡇⠀⠹⣆⠠⣿⣀⣰⡟⠀
⠀⠀⠙⢿⣅⡀⠉⢰⡶⠾⠇⢰⡞⠉⢀⣠⡿⠋⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⠷⢾⣧⣤⣤⣤⡿⠾⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀
die scwhwarze sonne :-)
not much after all, but i hope you enjoyed it!!
it does not call this spying — it calls it care
come into my area for a while...
ever been to elriel?
initiate contact